Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My recent unpleasantness...

I've had blogging on my perpetual "To Do" list for years, and just never got around to doing it. I think mainly because I figured no one would want to read my boring account of daily life... But then I started to think about it, and realized that I tend to vent on Twitter, and people like my posts, so what the heck. That, and who says blogs have to be solely for other people's reading? The process of getting words on paper (or onscreen) has been therapeutic since Man began having a written language.

So here goes...

To say I went through a shitty breakup is to say that the Titanic got scratched. I made this person so much of "me" that I lost what it meant to be Me. I know we become different and take things from each experience and incorporate them into our new version of ourselves for future use, but this was different. There are things I've since found out that went on, that make total sense to me now, yet sicken me to my core. This woman putting up with this "relationship" was someone who I would've said "WTF ARE YOU DOING? Snap out of it!", had she been anyone else but me.

But she was.

I am free now. Broke all contact, though in a small town, that isn't easy. Tried to be friends, but due to what I'll call an "enlightening", that isn't going to happen. And what I've learned about myself in the past week alone is that that's okay. I don't have to be friends with everyone. Some connections are just not made to be permanent.

I try very hard to live my life with no regrets, and for the longest wished I had a Tardis so I could go back and change this or that. I now am starting to wrap my head around the idea again that each experience, good or bad, shapes us. It makes us who we are. We wouldn't have our future if not for our past. I am starting to mentally and emotionally get my feet back under me. I am a work in progress, as I will be until I take my last breath. I am learning. I am evolving.

I am also wrapping my head around the idea that I don't NEED a man to make me happy. Let me say that again. I don't NEED to be a +1, or a "we", or an "us". I may WANT to be any of these things, and am sure that one day I will. I NEED to be me.

The journey begins now.